Checking Out

I’ve been going through a lot in my life the last few years. Sometimes I feel like I’m barely hanging on. And things have gotten even more difficult in the last few weeks. Having made some bad decisions in my life, I’ve learned from them. I guess you can say I learned the hard way. And with those lessons comes a fear for what may lie ahead. I’m at a weird point in my life, my late 30’s. Decisions made now leave little room for error. I guess I ponder what my legacy will be. What can I give back society? How will people remember me when I’m gone?

I still remember that day in October almost 25 years ago when I said goodbye to my older brother for the very last time, even though I didn’t know it at the time. He said he was still going to get me a birthday present, he just didn’t have the chance to pick something out yet. I said goodbye and watched him walk out the front door. It was in the afternoon and the screen door was left open. The sun was setting leaving a warm glow to everything. I watched as his car pulled out of the parking area in front of our house and went down the road.

I grabbed my Walkman and went for a walk by myself, because it seems that’s all I ever really had. I walked up the dirt lane that went around a hill just outside of town watching the sun sink behind the mountains that border Perry County. My brother never came back that night. He was killed in a car accident less than five miles from home. My life wasn’t the same after that.

As I go through life I find that when things bother me, I hold them in. Almost as if they were a treasure. As if solitude would be an answer to all of my problems. Countless times I would disappear for hours. Driving around to find that perfect place in which to watch the sunset and listen to music that would bring out ever tear I’ve bottled up inside my entire life. As the sun sets and the sky turns dark, I’m reminded of just how small and insignificant we are as humans. We’re so fragile. Walking this planet and bringing pain upon ourselves. When in the end, life goes on and the planet will continue to spin.

The latest song that brings out these feelings is Strobe by Deadmau5. Who would have thought a country boy from Perry County would grow up to enjoy electronic music. The song has no lyrics, which fits perfectly for letting my mind make it the soundtrack for my life. The slow parts remind me of the hard times I’ve been going through and the difficult decisions I’ve had to make that effect my future. It also reminds me of friends that are no longer with us. The upbeat parts remind me of times when I can’t stop smiling because of the people in my life. Still, life doesn’t get any easier. We just need to get through each and every day and remember that we are loved, by someone.

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